The Survival Guide to Being a Gothic Servant

The Gothic servant’s life is a perilous lot. We are all too often swept up in the fortunes of the owner of whatever mansion/castle/ruined abbey we’re currently lodging in. These fortunes range from the inconvenient and untimely appearance of giant limbs, to capture by bandits, death in a skirmish, imprisonment, and, worst of all, hearingContinue reading “The Survival Guide to Being a Gothic Servant”

The Society for Real Vampires present the authentic Guide to Vampirism

The recent publication of Byronic Vampire Society’s ‘Guide to Becoming a Gothic Vampire‘ is a step too far in that society’s egregious attempts to overturn the time-honoured traditions of vampirism. While they may glory in ‘sex-appeal’, a ‘brooding mystique’ and ‘finding meaning’, they reject the very essence of our existence. A grievous insult to ourContinue reading “The Society for Real Vampires present the authentic Guide to Vampirism”

The Demonic Guide to Putting the Seductive in Satanic

Being a demon isn’t what it used to be. Back in the day, you could get away with manifesting some hooves, growing out some nice horns and leering menacingly from the dark, occasionally manifesting a face on your genitals. That all changed with Milton. That bastard. If I’d known the upkeep, the sheer hours inContinue reading “The Demonic Guide to Putting the Seductive in Satanic”

How to be a Russian Gothic Hero

In previous episodes of this guide to the Gothic life, we’ve looked at both how to recognise and how to become a Gothic hero (or villain – there’s no judgement here) in a general sense. Today’s guide is for the connoisseur who has already developed some expertise in Gothic living. Stretch your wings. Explore yourContinue reading “How to be a Russian Gothic Hero”

The Patented Guide to Becoming a Gothic Dark Hero

Do you struggle with being too bland? Constantly doing everyday activities like ‘working’ and ‘cooking’? Is the number of people who tut under their breaths and mutter in hushed tones as you pass distressingly small? Have you failed to commit even one signal crime to blast your soul for the duration of the withered yearsContinue reading “The Patented Guide to Becoming a Gothic Dark Hero”

The Enthusiast’s Guide to Spotting Murder Ladies

Welcome to our discrete guide for the discerning. Many of you will have turned to us because you are simply exhausted by the stream of bland heroes, autocratic and tortured dark lords, and tediously misogynistic villains who one cannot, it seems, avoid in these Gothic times. You have thought to yourself, ‘There must be anotherContinue reading “The Enthusiast’s Guide to Spotting Murder Ladies”

The Discerning Evil-Doer’s Guide to Gothic Villainy

Too many young villains today fall into error as soon as they begin their path, like an awkward child belly-flopping enthusiastically into a puddle. They believe that villainy is a simple case of evil-doing (ha!). A swift and effortless choice of wrong over right via the medium of a bullet or blade. A career pathContinue reading “The Discerning Evil-Doer’s Guide to Gothic Villainy”

The Gothic Heroine’s Survival Guide

Have you suddenly realised that you’re in a Gothic novel? (Key signs to look out for: you’ve been kidnapped at midnight, you have moved to an echoing mansion full of secrets, your husband has this beady ‘loves to kill’ glint in his eye, a mysterious portrait dominates the ruined castle to which you’ve been removed,Continue reading “The Gothic Heroine’s Survival Guide”

The Guide to Becoming a Byronic Vampire

Welcome to the vampire life! Now, it may seem rather bewildering that I’m welcoming you to the life. ‘But I’ve been a vampire for so long already,’ you cry. But darling, that… that wasn’t being a vampire. That was being a shambolic cursed ravenous beast with the sex appeal of a bent spoon covered inContinue reading “The Guide to Becoming a Byronic Vampire”